Stretch and the Killer Spider

Stretch has a scary story for you today - it's about the time she had to battle the killer spider. Stretch is VERY, VERY, VERY scared of spiders. REALLY, REALLY scared.

Since buying a house with Honey Bear, I've been highly dismayed to realize that our brand new townhome seems to have a lot of spiders. Really yucky, big, fast, awful, horrible spiders. They're only on the first floor and as a result, I almost never go downstairs when I'm alone unless I am arriving or leaving for the day. These spiders are truly out to ruin my life and take my sanity. Slowly, but surely, they are winning the war. They've already claimed the downstairs and it's only a matter of time before they learn to climb the stairs and take over the upstairs as well. And then, Stretch will move into a hotel.

Luckily, having a Honey Bear means that I have a Spider Killer. He is my only defense against these scary, scary things. But remember, Honey Bear is gone for a month on an extended work training so it's only been me to hold down the fort. And on my second day alone, the spiders essentially ambushed and nearly won the fort altogether.

I was off to school! I was happy because I had survived a whole second night alone in the big, dark, scary house and I was on my way to meet Sponge for breakfast.

I am literally walking out the door when I look back and see a HUGE spider across the room. HUGE. Like the size of my hand HUGE and SCARY. I swear I heard it say it was going to eat me.

I left the house and got into my car. I seriously, seriously considered leaving the house for the next month and seeing if I could stay with Sponge - I could buy new clothes, underwear, toothbrush, etc. I called Honey Bear from the car and hoped to hear him validate my obviously brilliant plan.

Honey Bear thought it was a stupid plan and told me to go back into the house and kill the spider. I started to sob. I mean SOB. I couldn't even walk fully into the house, I was shaking so hard. Honey Bear had to keep telling me to breathe because I was hysterical with fear. I begged Honey Bear to come home from his far, far away training RIGHT NOW and kill the spider.

I'm still SOBBING. I have equipped myself with my spider killing gear - my Swiffer Sweeper with three to four foot handle. I took a shakey step closer, sobbed harder, and backed up...a few steps closer, more hysterics, ran all the way back to the other side. Honey Bear reminds me to breathe.

Thirty minutes later...I nearly pass out from pure fright as the spider moves across the back wall to my shoes! It crawls all over my Mock Crocs (rest assured, Honey Bear threw those Mock Crocs away upon his return - like I was EVER going to wear them again!) I go closer and double over from sobs.

Somehow, somehow, I manage to whack at it - the spider runs, I scream, whack again, spider runs, I scream, whack again, spider runs, I scream, whack again and again and again and somehow in the blur either I got a lucky hit and managed to kill it or the spider took pity on me and threw itself under the Swiffer Sweeper. I scream and sob and run across the room. Honey Bear is yelling on the phone asking what the heck is going on and to Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!

I shake and sob. I ask Honey Bear if I can leave the spider (hopefully dead) there until he comes home. I'll stay upstairs. He asks if it's really dead - seriously, did the man expect me to check for a pulse? I cried and begged for awhile and then whacked it again and shrieked a little but the spider didn't run.

I cry some more and ask him how I'm supposed to clean it up. We discuss for awhile and I get the vacuum - cry and do my slow march over (one step up, one step back, two steps up, one step back, etc.). I turn it on and try to vacuum it up - it's too big, I'm pushing it around the living room while sobbing. I eventually give up, put the vacuum on top of it and leave the house.

I spent as little time as possible in the house after that until Honey Bear returned. He returned to find the spider killing Swiffer Sweeper thrown across the room and the vacuum still sitting on top of the spider.

I make him do a spider sweep before I go downstairs. I still haven't told you about the one that was under the couch...some other time,